In the last two years, I have been more consciously aware of my health and my body. I was at probably my highest weight in August 2021, and while weight should not be the sole indicator of someone’s degree of health, I definitely did not feel like I was the healthiest version of myself. I was finishing my first year of living on my own and third year post-college, so navigating early adulthood was a challenge. This is a topic I have wanted to write about for a while, mostly as a means to re-motivate myself. This summer, I have felt like I have fallen off the wagon, but also because I am trying my hand at self acceptance. What I mean is that I am pretty happy with what I have accomplished in two years with minimal effort, so I stopped pushing myself and being disciplined. I want to reignite the flame and start my journey once again!
How it Started
Back in August 2021, I did not feel like my best self. I ate food for comfort and spent a lot of time being inactive. This is probably mostly because, according to my therapist, my body was finally entering a state of recovery after being in fight-or-flight survival mode for most of my life. From the time I have spent reflecting on this, my body was finally taking a “sigh of relief” and starting to relax and be calm, not stressed. Living on my own meant I could eat what I want when I want, did my own grocery shopping, cleaned up after myself whenever suited me, and more. It was a strange level of freedom from within my own head. Unfortunately, it also meant I was eating out a lot, staying home and watching tv alone, drinking alone, and just not taking great care of myself.
That August, I decided I wanted to make a change. Not for my boyfriend, not for my family, but for me and my health and wellbeing. I started tracking my caloric intake, cutting back alcohol consumption, and trying to get myself moving more. These three things were my main focus. I knew if I tried to do too much at once, I would burn out and give up. So, one by one, I started to tackle these goals and start my road to a healthier life.
Food Relationship and Calorie Counting
When I started calorie counting, I was restrictive. I tried cutting out pasta and bread, which ultimately made me miserable. Since then, I have learned to let myself indulge in foods I want, but just be more mindful of what I am consuming. If I know I am going into the city and have plans to get Shake Shack, I may eat a smaller breakfast and not snack as much during the day. For me, I wanted to learn and be aware of what I was consuming, not necessarily restricting myself.
I learned pretty quickly into living alone, and then having a boyfriend, that I had a very poor relationship with food. What I mean is that as an adult, I force myself to finish a plate of food, since I was forced to finish food growing up. This has made it very difficult for me to listen to my own hunger cues, and often would overeat. I have since started listening to my body and eating slower, drinking more water, and only ordering what I think will be enough food.
I sometimes falter when I go to the movies or have a menu with such great options – my eyes tend to be bigger than my stomach! I have started to work on ordering less food and having better portioned meals at home and will only eat more if I still feel hungry after 10/15 minutes of finishing a meal.
I have also picked up cooking more food at home. I have always loved cooking, and now have nearly 140 videos saved on TikTok of different recipes I want to try or have tried. It really helps me know and control exactly how much of an ingredient is going into my food, as well as helping me with understanding portion sizes and amount of ingredients. Yes, I bought a food scale for this, but I have found it actually really helps me understand my serving sizes. I love finding nre recipes and ways to incorporate protein into my meals.
My goal protein is 100g per day, with my target number at 132g. I love getting to fing ways to work protein into my meals that I love, which usually means adding chicken to any of my pasta or salad meals. I find that 100g is easier for me to hit, and I do not always hit it, yet it is a great goal to keep my protein intake on track.
Active Lifestyle
I have always loved walking and moving my body, but I made an important distinction this time. I decided that I would choose activities I liked doing and really intuitively listen to my body and only practice movement that made me happy. If I ever got to a point where I was forcing myself to go to the gym or ignore that my body needed rest, I would stop and take a break. If it became a chore or I made myself feel guilty for not going, it would be doing exactly the opposite of what my intention was.
In the first half a year, I saw great improvement. Part of my intention for getting healthier was to do it with very minimal effort. I know I am not the kind of person who would be lifting weights and making an active effort to lose weight, I just wanted to reshape my mindset about health. The methods of “working out” that I have found I enjoy most are walking and using the treadmill. I sometimes do yoga, pilates, and a Wii dance workout (yes, I still have a Wii in my basement from 2008). My whole intention was to move in ways that I enjoy and find fun in.
I am so lucky to live in a place that has access to parks and great outdoor trails, so I try to go out on a walk as much as possible, especially in warmer months. Sometimes, Kevin and I will go on a “headphone walk” in which we will both bring our own headphones and listen to separate podcasts while walking together. It’s such a nice time to be out in nature and with a buddy but also be in your own world.
I have often tried to get myself up in the morning before work and do a quick pilates routine, but I got to a point where I felt like I was forcing myself and dreading getting out of bed, so I needed to take a pause on that. I go through periods of exercise fixation, but then I always burn out and tire of it. So I move onto the next fixation. Currently, it’s my walking pad that I bought on Prime Day. It’s been pretty great so far; I just plug it in, put on Celebrity Jeopardy, and try to hit my 10k steps. It would be even better if I worked from home!
Low Points
I have for sure had my fair share of low points through my two year journey though. My weight fluctuates, the way my body feels changes, I have poor body image days, I overeat on a weekend away, all of it. It’s so hard to get myself out of these funks. I try really hard to refocus on how much fun I have moving my body and cooking new meals for myself. Not that they’re all healthy, but it at least allows me to know what I am consuming. I love my walking pad and I love cooking, so I try to concentrate on the things I love.
There are days where I hate how my body looks, or feel gross after eating crappy over a weekend. I step on the scale and fill myself with dread; a pretty bad way to start your morning. Like I have said from the beginning though, I am only on this journey to make myself feel good and learn about food/movement. I am fortunate that my negative thoughts about my body image do not tend to physically manifest themselves.
What I’ve Learned
One thing I have been working on is giving myself grace and lots of self acceptance. I constantly have to remind myself that progress is not linear. We are meant to ebb and flow, change over time, and flow with the water. It is okay to treat yourself once in a while, but make sure that you are able to regain that balance in another area. This doesn’t mean that if you get a slice of key lime pie with dinner that you now need to go hit the gym for two hours, but it means to maybe be more mindful of what you eat the next day, and enjoy yourself in the process.
Another thing I have learned is that you need to focus on your present. Focus on how you’re feeling now instead of how you want to feel later. I am practicing living in the present in more life areas than just my health journey, but I feel it applies here too. What I mean is that instead of saying “I want to lose 10 lbs by my birthday!” I will instead say “I want to wake up in the morning feeling good and rested, what can I do today to get me a good night’s sleep?” I find that this is much more manageable of a goal for me and it helps me have success every day. I can implement small things and small changes that make me feel good on a daily basis. Once I’m feeling good, I can begin to see growth and change over time.
I have also learned that getting to your ideal body/weight/pant size is f***ing hard. At least 25% of my days are struggles and I am unhappy with myself. What I am learning is to not let that discourage or define me. It really helps that Kevin has become a very open communicator and very receptive, because having that partner support is crucial. I can say to him “hey, I’m not having a great body image day, can you give me some more support?” and he will hug me and encourage me to keep going. Going on vacations or out with friends is really hard and often throws me off track, but having Kevin’s support has helped me out of these slumps way faster than before he was around.
What I Do Now
Currently, I have goals set to use my walking pad/go for a walk 3 times per week. The weather has been so beautiful so I try to go outside as much as I can. I am going to LA in a few weeks so I want to spend most of my time walking around or hiking. I am still counting my calories and trying to be a little more rigid and motivated with my portion control. I have been falling behind in my health goals, so it has been pretty discouraging, but I am constantly reminding myself that it is okay to not be where I want to be right now and I am in a much healthier place than I was two years ago.
I don’t want to come across that I’m unhappy in my body – that is not the case at all. I love my body and the things it is able to do for me everyday. It’s simply that I have been striving to treat myself with more respect and grace by fueling my body and keeping it moving. I want to be able to remain healthy and have a long life and a family someday, so I need to make sure I am practicing good habits now. I want to one day be a source of hope and pride for my children and teach them how to take care of their bodies but also how to love them as they are. Finding that balance can be hard, and it took me years of my life to make it here. I want to keep practicing positivity while also putting good things into my system and remove things that are bad for me.
I know this seemed like a whole lot of rambling, but there is just so much to reflect on! I am really proud of the progress I have been able to achieve in the last two years. I love and respect my body more than I ever have, I have an improved relationship with movement and food, and I am much nicer to my body and less self critical than I used to be. The journey is not over yet, and I cannot wait to see what the next year will bring. Slow progress is still progress!!
Caroline's Path of Grace 
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